What's it been like 3 months? Seems longer. So much has happened, so much hasnt happened. I feel like Im right back at square one. I am thinking I truly am a self sabatoger masked of someone who just cant find what they are looking for. That is the dilema I cant stop tossing back and forth in my mind. I really thought I had found what I was looking for except it was lacking one minor/major/thing(?) .
So what has happened since December? hmmm. I gave up on Frank, I opened myself up to someone new, someone we"ll call
Saturday, April 02, 2011
Thursday, May 27, 2010
the end
deleting this blog today. time to move on. T- i'll let you know where you can find me. Figured Id start back up in a new home since I have all this downtime at work to write *wink*
everything on here is SO outdated and frankly embarassing. My late 20's were pretty damn wild. But I sure did f*ck up my life.
everything on here is SO outdated and frankly embarassing. My late 20's were pretty damn wild. But I sure did f*ck up my life.
Monday, May 03, 2010
A new start..perhaps
So Im sitting here on this very rainy Monday morning, my last Monday morning unemployed sippin coffee and just enjoyng it. I think I may have a lot of those moments this week; the countdown is on. Do not get me wrong, I am thrilled to be going back to work, I m also just terrified, It has been 1yr and 7months that Ive been living a life of mostly leisure. Money is tough, it may actually be even tougher once I get back to work but I feel this is an opportunity that I cant pass up! I am happy to be billing again. It is a job I really enjoy. Im excited about getting some more AP and AR duties under my belt as well. I see this being a new start, a fresh start. . Im trying not to fret about the "what ifs" Im going to repeat positive things over and over again. I know what I can do, I know I am smart, and likeable. yea, yea tha sounds great...LOL
The commute factor is the thing that worries me most..I have Cam, Grandmom, and getting pulled over to stress about every freakin morning, till I have the money to make everything "better"
On another note..I should reread my last post. I was pretty upset with the bf at the time. We are together, things are different. This relationship moved way differently then most of my previous. I went from living with the guy practically immediately to him now living an hour away and hardly ever seeing him. I think this is best for now. Only so we can lear more about eachother, and meander down this road of a relationship. Otherwise Id be knocked up or dragging him to thr alter, because I tend to want to rush everything. I want instant gratification. All part of being an addict. *wink* I hate missing him, but it makes seeing him all the better. We make out like high school kids. He makes me feel things I havent felt since Cams Dad. And that is so faded I dont even remember Im just assuming. haha Wow I HAVE come along way. :)
Anyways... slow and steady winds the race. That will be my motto for my new job (starting at the bottom) and this relationship.
The commute factor is the thing that worries me most..I have Cam, Grandmom, and getting pulled over to stress about every freakin morning, till I have the money to make everything "better"
On another note..I should reread my last post. I was pretty upset with the bf at the time. We are together, things are different. This relationship moved way differently then most of my previous. I went from living with the guy practically immediately to him now living an hour away and hardly ever seeing him. I think this is best for now. Only so we can lear more about eachother, and meander down this road of a relationship. Otherwise Id be knocked up or dragging him to thr alter, because I tend to want to rush everything. I want instant gratification. All part of being an addict. *wink* I hate missing him, but it makes seeing him all the better. We make out like high school kids. He makes me feel things I havent felt since Cams Dad. And that is so faded I dont even remember Im just assuming. haha Wow I HAVE come along way. :)
Anyways... slow and steady winds the race. That will be my motto for my new job (starting at the bottom) and this relationship.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
small purge....
So I go back and forth in my head all the time about deleting this all together...but I just cant seem to do it. Main reason to delete wold bethe step-mom knows about this now, so anything can be used against me. sure I can go ahead and delete my past even though my past is the past...but I still have to consider all future writings. But Im going to need to do some writing this week. I gotta get shit off my chest. And facebook isnt the place for it.
The hardest part about my current break up is not defending myself, try and and let what is being said about me not hurt me. Because deep down I know why he's lashing out, why he is so angry. I'll never know why he is so paranoid. His problems arent mine, I cant change his thought processes. He just text me you're not friends with your exes you keep them around to give you things... which is absolutely hilarious. I have about 10 ex boyfriends on facebook and in my cell phone. I was thinking tonight. You know when you're in high school and you break with a guy and your a little scared of what they may divulge about you.. you know in high school you had those fears? I didnt realize being in your 30's men still were so mean and spiteful. Im so truly disappointed right now. Serioulsy I thought he was it. Finally I felt for someone like I felt for the ex... or did cause I havent shed one tear.... more later.
The hardest part about my current break up is not defending myself, try and and let what is being said about me not hurt me. Because deep down I know why he's lashing out, why he is so angry. I'll never know why he is so paranoid. His problems arent mine, I cant change his thought processes. He just text me you're not friends with your exes you keep them around to give you things... which is absolutely hilarious. I have about 10 ex boyfriends on facebook and in my cell phone. I was thinking tonight. You know when you're in high school and you break with a guy and your a little scared of what they may divulge about you.. you know in high school you had those fears? I didnt realize being in your 30's men still were so mean and spiteful. Im so truly disappointed right now. Serioulsy I thought he was it. Finally I felt for someone like I felt for the ex... or did cause I havent shed one tear.... more later.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Unloveable
Been thinking lately is it possible that I have become unloveable? The last 4-5 years have been filled with so much drama, and bad relationships. Not to mention theres my actions as well. Could I be to used up, and damaged, am I even capable of a healthy stable relationship? Ray and I started off well I guess you can say that was a good relationship it just went on to long after the fact that we knew that it wasn't going to be. I guess I still measure everything to the Exs and I relationship. 4 yrs with one person is a long time. At this time I can't see being with anyone like that. I think I'm totally screwed up from everything I've been through and done these past few years. I don't respect myself and with that I let people disrespect me. Im all messed up.
tata
kake
tata
kake
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
blah...
Feeling incredibly blah today. Not sure why. I just can't snap out of it. I wish this cold would leave for good. I'm tired of coughing, it hurts.
depressed.
depressed.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Feeling good.
I woke up this morning feeling determined. Determined to make this a good week, a productive week. TLM is home and everything seems balanced out now. I feel as if I have purpose. Waiting for him to come out of the doors at the end of the day is so exciting. There really isn't thing better then that first hug and hello. Homework time went smoothly, dinner eh... Thankfully there is not football tomorrow. I am looking forward to having a yummy pot roast dinner and then we are going to watch Transformers. Football; Weds, Thurs and Sat. Saturday evening the plan is to go pumpkin picking and some carving. Looking forward to roasting some pumpkin seeds. hmm hmmm. Sounds like a good week to me. Low key.
I am in the need for some low key. The last month and half or two, I feel like I've been in overdrive. Living as if I have zero responsibilites, or a care in the world. Well that isn't true!! My problem is if I have a really good time I try to go out and do it over and over again. And that, well it turns destructive. See I have progressed since 2005, how about that!
Staying away from men. I need a break. I wish I could erase that mental picture I took a bit back. Cause I can see it so clearly and its such a yummy image, it makes me sad. It's been a long time since I have been so physically attracted to someone. It took me by surprise. But peel the cuteness and it was nothing. but oh how cute. I digress.... anyway yeah Im staying away from guys. I need a f*n job.
tata
kake
I am in the need for some low key. The last month and half or two, I feel like I've been in overdrive. Living as if I have zero responsibilites, or a care in the world. Well that isn't true!! My problem is if I have a really good time I try to go out and do it over and over again. And that, well it turns destructive. See I have progressed since 2005, how about that!
Staying away from men. I need a break. I wish I could erase that mental picture I took a bit back. Cause I can see it so clearly and its such a yummy image, it makes me sad. It's been a long time since I have been so physically attracted to someone. It took me by surprise. But peel the cuteness and it was nothing. but oh how cute. I digress.... anyway yeah Im staying away from guys. I need a f*n job.
tata
kake
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